04 July 2011

Anxious, Appreciating & Keeping it Real


I’m wondering if anxiety builds while pregnant. Anyone ever feel those anxious thoughts in the night? More so as a woman, more so while awake at night, and plenty, in my belief, while with child! Everything seems to add up to huge concrete deals, and while I awoke the other night, I began to think about the uprooting feeling again of leaving something that has just began. If I’m being honest, I don’t know what to feel about leaving America someday. I used to have such a drive and dream to get out there and be. I know for sure I want to be all that God wants me to be and I  am confident in His love and direction. I just keep asking the Lord that if it is His Will, that He will slowly but SURELY drive and direct my heart to connect with His. I leave that up to Him. I’m not closed to the idea of Him using us in Australia, or wherever, but something in me holds tight to the Loss. It hurts to think of it.
It is vain for you to rise up early, To sit up late, To eat the bread of sorrows; For so He gives His beloved sleep. Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Psalm 127:2&3
 Maybe as I’ve grown older, I’m counting the cost....And it adds up to huge right now. My heart longs to be used by God, but as I’ve grown in age, I’ve recognized that what solely and purely pumps this heart, is simply people coming to Christ. 
Tears follow tears that won’t spill over in my heart...just thinking of the idea of leaving my comforts. The truth in comfort is my Family ..and... Good things for my children.
So many fears can creep in, when it comes to living here in the United States though, if I’m keeping it real. 

One thing, I so recognize a strong surge for great things for my children. Last night, we went to a Vacation Bible School held at a church on Wednesday nights this summer. I was so appreciative. As I stepped back in 10 minutes early to pick them up, I almost cried a river thinking of how these kids were singing with all of their hearts to, “Blessed be Your name.” They were dancing with reckless abandon in worship to the Lord. I saw my little 7 year old jumping. 

The speaker was also sharing about how we need to fight off the temptations by using the Whole Armor of God. This is something I long for my children to be saturated with; Having that knowledge impressed within them! I’m not sure what it is about me, but I get excited for everyday things of God. And I tend to express through tears. People will look at me different, when learning something that is so mundane, but to me, it’s each lesson learned that stamps it’s beauty upon my child’s spirit. And that is Immensely special to me. It hasn’t stopped being special since those days that each of them where born. 
Letting go of those fears though, of pain or loss for them; I recognize that these can so easily ensnare me. I have to continually turn it all into God’s Mighty Arms of Love and offer up that there is Joy in the Lord for each day. I know I fail EVERY SINGLE Day, with what i would like to teach them, but I know that one of my top 2 things in life-my desires are to see these 3, now 4 children, Walk Strong in JESUS. I would die for this cause. I would. 
I might be rambling, I might just be pregnant, but these scribblings can get me so emotional. These are the thoughts of my heart.
See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise,
redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 
Ephesians 5:15-17
I remember in the beginning, as I began to walk my walk with Jesus, I sat with  a girl who once encouraged me, as I sipped a cup of coffee, “You have to walk Circumspectly...” This verse has always lit up in my mind when I think of these times. I knew little of how to guard myself as a brand new Christian in a world full of Fun house mirrors, where simple meandering can distort your outlook.  
I tend to piece the Word apart in my head. Circum= Circle, and Spect= Seeing.  Seeing the Circle around me.  Understanding that gathering Knowledge over time, is not the same thing as Wisdom, I stand back and listen, always allowing myself to see and learn. 
Being back in the States, I have found this verse ringing in my head. I often tell my kids, while walking in parking lots, to keep their eyes open for treasures. We must first pay attention to the safety factors, obviously, watching for the possibilities of cars backing out, but at the same time, scanning the area for little things people may have unwittingly dropped. It’s just a third eye I have gained in time. My Dad is the best example of that. He’s found many of treasures just keeping an eye open even on hurried days! 
Along with this, fresh off the mission field, I teach my babes about this ‘new culture’.  My kids have walked little on American Soil, when it comes to daily cultural understandings. In Europe, the freedom of walking in a community where other people are going to generously shadow your children was a comfort. Knowing we were all there to watch out for each other’s kids was a joy. Learning the new rules of things like: not answering the door, running outside whenever, and riding their bikes up a ways, is not necessarily a liberty. 
Knowledge is teaching them to hold hands in a parking lot, Wisdom is knowing the possibilities of what could happen and acting rightly, even though they’ve never experienced it. Those are the kind of treasures I want them to pick up. I look forward, and never want to live in regret. It takes moments, but in a child-like lesson, keeping safe, while looking for treasures is not to make the most of time, but making the most of The Time.
On a Spiritual note, this for me, is paying attention for those who are seeking His Truth. 
 ‘This verse ‘walking circumspectly’ isn’t telling us to make the most of every moment, even though that is good advice. He tells us to seize opportunity for the glory of Jesus. The idea behind redeeming the time is that you buy up opportunities like a shrewd businessman. You make the most of every opportunity for Jesus Christ.’ David Guzik, BLB
I am 26 weeks prego now, and feeling the kicks every day! No dangers yet, Thank You, Lord. But still asking for your prayers when it comes to these next weeks that I have to get through...
I have been staying close to home and finding things to do! Both of our parents live within 5 miles of us, and wow, this has been a great blessing, not only for the help but the company and care! Our children are loving it!
I’m finding that my kids are laughing and giggling a whole bunch these days! Every chance they get, they are cracking jokes and cracking up at each other! Maybe it’s Summer, maybe it’s growing, but I am so enjoying hearing how their own distinct giggles are developing! 
We have been keeping them busy keeping up with the Library events, reading many books, and going to many Storybook, Laser show, and Puppet events. They have been going to Vacation Bible School events, swimming, while picking back up with Karate. (pictures coming)This has been a special blessing to see them in their little uniforms! Cutest! They also have a good-sized backyard to let their imaginations run free, while climbing a tree, or spying on an unexpected pet...We have a bunny friend who hangs out in the back! 
We are blessed..! Thank You, Jesus!
That is all for now, Friends, Thank You for reading! It's a blessing to know we meet here...on a common ground...
Happy 4th!
IN Jesus,

2 comments:

Kristin said...

Love and miss you Kim. We are praying for you guys, and remember, like Pam says, the best geographical places for our children to be is in God's will! *hugs*

Daniela said...

Kim, this was such a blessing to read. We are praying for you guys, and like Kristin had said, the best geographical places for our children to be is in God's will!