08 October 2011

My heart was built for Four



As I set my sweet son down in his crib, wrapped up in his soft white blanket, I sneak off to take a couple of minutes with Jesus outside in the backyard on this cold morning. The mood is nice, overcast, and I am wrapped up in a big oversized sweatshirt, taking some moments with God. But in the back of my mind, all I can think about is my baby boy. Is he crying? Is he turned over?
I quickly open the screen door to go take an imminent peak in on him. There he is, still wrapped, pacifier drooped, sweetest little face, dreaming. I can’t even handle the capacity at which I love this little newborn. I don’t want to miss a moment. You mothers know, and may be reminded of that sweet little cuddle into your neck that can’t be replaced. When they cry, nothing can exchange what You as ‘their comfort’ can do. 
And for me, as a mother, words can’t explain what it means to have this little baby depending on me for every pain and hurt and love and need. And that when you pull him up, place him on your chest, and every cry extinguishes, that is when you know joy that only God created.
It takes me full circle-- to the times that we settle into our hiding place with Jesus. Our secret times when we stow away into our backyard quiet places to come into his presence and Just Be with Him. Where every cry  and pain and hurt can be diffused and diminished in his arms. We can identify as His child. Oh, it truly is, when all is let go, the best place to be. 
But an interesting thing happens when we become a parent too! Unlike ourselves, God is very aware of how we are doing, and we are never out of his sight, no matter who we are or what we’ve done. He doesn’t have to go and check up on us. His eyes are always upon us. He does feel the same desires of an endless hope and love for us to be near Him- to pick us up and hold us in his arms. For every need to be brought to him. He is our Comfort, our Comforter...
Psalm 139:17-18 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them, Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I am awake, I am still with you. 
Listen to this song in the background http://youtu.be/n1bXG4WIesA
U p d a t e
It has been many sprinkling moments since I last wrote about our trials and Joys. Baby Cruz is nearly Full term (if he were still in my belly), yet 6 weeks of wonder, being safely held in our arms. Thank you for your grace in giving our family time to get adjusted to our new era with Cruz Judah and all of our other kiddos!
One thing I must mention without delay, (amongst many stories) is how we are juggling 4 children these days! I think I spoke with ignorance on how “if you have 3 children, you might as well throw one more in there”. I definitely love to stay busy, but I have noticed, that it feels like you have 4 legs with skates on, and you have to go in all different directions, at the exact same moments! Everything is in demand and important to each child, so I believe I am learning more about multi-tasking than I ever knew! Especially if you want them to have a quality of life! Every moment is taken and we make time to do what is important to us. It’s a real test of priorities...and a re-learning of patience.
Since I last wrote, a month of God’s sustaining power and love has been carrying us! I went into surgery the morning of August 29th, and ended up seeing my baby at 9:01 am that day. 6 weeks early to the day. He was 5 lbs, 4 oz. and 18 inches long. It was amazing all over again! You definitely are on a faster train ride into the heart of nurturing, loving and protecting a child when it is the 4th time around. 
Right after they took Baby Cruz out, they began to move into the impossible surgery. My stomach began to hurt, and I fought the feeling of falling asleep. I did hear them say, ‘ok, it’s time to put her out.’
I woke up 7 1/2 hours later after 18 units of blood transfused. It felt like a moment. 
I see so clearly that God took me through with so much peace from beginning to end, that I truly went in unafraid! He is the author and finisher of our Faith. But I have realized, in these last weeks, how much easier it is for me personally to go through something Big, when it is me, than it is for a person I love to go through it, and I have no control. I think I truly had the easier part--That when I saw my Husband, Parents, Brother’s and Friends’ eyes, I came to realize, really, what they had gone through.
This is a new page of life that I believe that God is uncovering in my story. It’s difficult to understand when God takes you through His will for your life, that you need to trust Him all the way through it. 
1st day of School
For instance. we had been barely sifting through the first sleepless nights when ‘Back to School’ night had come screeching around the corner. Caleb and I wanted to be there for Charis and Hope, to see the first days of their new experience in Primary School. It was our first experience too, so we circled it on our tired calendar in order to see their new place of learning. As we were to finish up the first session of Hopie’s Kindergarten class wrap up, Caleb came in holding Charis as she whimpered through an over-held arm. She must have been playing outside a little too hard with the other boys outside. I couldn’t believe my ears, even with the subtle, quiet words Caleb chose to let out. ‘I think it might be broken’ --She cried out, “It’s burning!” It made my heart cringe to think of my happy 7 year old in pain-especially a pain I have never experienced myself. I couldn’t rest, but had to return to the house while he rushed her to the hospital with all of the grandparents.  There’s something so cliche, yet so richly true, when I say how much our hearts are connected and sewn into our children.  
I recognized how much I cannot sit in peace when anyone I care for, let alone your own child, is in such pain. That night, these thoughts were plaguing me,“The enemy couldn’t get to me, so he had to go for my children,It’s all your fault that this is happening’ Wow, what a true test of Trust.  Again, instead of being the one in pain, I had to endure it for the child of my heart. In those moments,if I’m being honest, I was more washed away with the thoughts of what the Enemy could do, and not what God could do. The Lord quickly showed up, and gently threw me onto the shore, whispering to not give in to the enemy’s power. To not question the endless emphasis on WHY, but WHAT. ‘Why is this happening???’ versus ‘What am I supposed to do in these moments.’ It was a feeble me, but I cried out the Lord, and he gave me scripture that said he was going to hold her up with his ‘Right hand’. The funny thing  that spoke to my heart was that she broke her right hand, her writing hand. But God has a much stronger one--that she was going to learn anew and to rely on.This was for her. It seems so small, yet so BIG to us...
Today, 3 weeks in, she is doing amazing, and I can only praise the Lord. It’s brought her new avenues of learning, building, and meeting new friends. Such a frail Me, and an ever Faithful God. It would really ‘bite’ to have to go through these moments alone!
Hope is about to turn 5 on the 11th, and wow, she is turning into a mature little mommy to both Justice and Baby Cruz. Sweet Beautiful girl! She always seems to do the right thing and always wants to protect her siblings. They never leave each other out, that they cannot experience full joy, if their brothers or sisters are not experiencing it too! I often snapshot moments in my mind, knowing that ‘it’s not going to be like this forever’. My heart swells!

Justice and I have had a little more time these days, since his sisters are now in school. I think about the other day, when him and I, raincoats and all, slammed the car doors, and ran up to the store in the rain, only to find out that we had left our list behind in the car! It wasn’t something we could just let slide, so hand in hand, we ran back through the puddles, this time, jeans rolled up, and retrieved the grocery list. And for a 3rd time, dashed through the rain, I heard Justice say something. “What?” I asked him as he curiously questioned, “Mommy, are we Friends?” I examined him, “Are we friends?” He replied, “Yeah” in his 3 year old voice. “You’re one of my
Best Friends, Buddy...” 
Don’t let go of the sweet moments. They’re little treasures we pick up along the way, and drop deep within our hearts.
Thank You Again for all of your continuous prayers; They truly worked, and I love saying it! 
In Jesus,

“Do not weep. Behold, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David,
 has prevailed to open the scroll..." Revelation 5

'Cruz' means 'The Cross' in Spanish; All of our children's attributed names/middle names point to the cross...Grace, Hope and Justice
'Judah' was the 4th child born to a woman in the Bible who relinquished her rights to be loved by man, but surrendered it to God, hence the meaning 'Praise'

4 comments:

Kelly said...

So heartfelt and encouraging Kim; thank you for sharing. And I love seeing your beautiful smile at MOPS. :)

Anna Kaipainen said...

I love reading your blog, Kim. You're such an amazing woman of God and a great mommy! I love you and I will be praying for your family.

Autumn Klare said...

Kim! I adore your blog and I always get a little teary eyed when I read it. Your maternal heart is wonderful and such an encouragment. Although I am taking in this season of no children, I do look forward to becoming a mom.I will treasure your words and I am sure I will refer to them when I am a mother.
Love you Kim and I am praying for you and yours.

Daniela said...

Kim, you are such a GREAT Mommy, reading your blog was just encouraging, tender, and full of love! Our prayers will continue for you all through this season of change. A great chapter to a beautiful story. :)