I have to believe that a lot of woman are going through this. You know those quiet subjects that it seems no one else has in common, but truth is, it's happening. It's the Age of having a baby, slowly coming to a halt, and naturally, I guess, there tends to be a maternal drive to hold a new child in your arms! Especially one of your very own. . .The funny thing is, is that I was not like this in my growing years. I knew that I wanted to be a mother, yet I wasn't eager, and I didn't want it to come until God's design unfolded.
And I guess... I'm just having a moment. You know how when you freely have a choice, you can take your time, yet when it's forced out of your hands, there's a loss.
For me, there is a loss here for so many reasons. I am not going to claim to be an expert on the psychology of having a hysterectomy,which I have had, but I will share how I feel to have had my last baby.
Yes, I always dreamed of having 4 children. I always fancied the idea of my grown children around my table, and maybe even expanded the dream out further, with picturing their spouses and children in their arms. The verse below would bring a smile to my face as I came across it. . . And God has given me those 4. What a monumental blessing that I thank Him for every single day!
Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house;
your children will be like olive shoots around your table.
~ Psalm 18:3
But for some reason, there is a heart-pain there that I need to do more than just 'walk off.' I need to talk about it, but I'm not sure I can even explain it. To look into my baby boy's eyes, I've never experienced this longing for him to stay young. With all of my other children, I didn't feel an ongoing nostalgia, even further, I couldn't wait for them to grow- grow a little so I can see what they look like. I'm still a little excited for that.
But God has given me a living example in this new son to hold, where I can 'baby' him. I have never kept our baby in our bed this long. Last night was the first time he stayed in the bassinet next to our bed, and stayed there the whole night.
Don't get me wrong, I get it. I can intellectually see what's best for him, and I will follow through with it. For example, each child, I have abided by two rules while they are young.
- In the Crib in their own room by 6 months.
- 2. Pacifier done by 18 months.
No matter how hard it is.
But emotionally, I can see how I am setting myself up with this one. I can't put my finger on this attachment. . .
A lot of memories resurface of my first born. The feelings I felt. The new wonder....The bonding. This 'loss of womb' has made so many things final. Which is a blessing and His will, I know. I guess I just need to grieve.
Looking deeper, I notice one thing though that saddens me, and I know that it is an ongoing condemning feeling that I am barely grasping a hold of the edges. It's that I used to feel good to say that I have breast fed all of my children for 6 months. Personally, that was the amount that I set out for, and felt an accomplishment for following through. But this time, I had to end it sooner. With the surmounting children and schedules, and the stress of baby Cruz screeching in pain, it reminded me of Hope's infancy. She screamed out of gas-pains while breast feeding for 6 solid months. When I finally stopped, she was perfect. Not a peep. It was a matching stressing time.
My Husband told me when I shared my guilt and heart pain this last time, “I'd rather have a sane wife feeding formula, than a 'lost her marbles' mama, breast feeding.!”
Going back to the 'self-shoveling' guilt, God does not speak these things into my heart, so it has to be the Enemy of my soul. He says I should stand feeling 'maternally Guilty'. Isn't that so interesting how much condemnation we ourselves can put upon our heavy hearts as well? I have to come to a calm place and say 'I did my best'. I come to these conclusions, because there was a lot less 'mommy-bonding' time than I have ever experienced with my other 3. And that right there, is probably the biggest reasons why I am feeling this way.
It's an honest to goodness 'striving' feeling, that I lock myself into, and throw away the key. Sometimes, we have got to release ourselves from the 'pedestals' and the 'comparisons' of others. Looking at the life-story of others is a ongoing jail cell that we constantly crawl into expecting a way of escape each time. The Lord is teaching me to just stand in my own space, and come to terms with who God made me to be, and to be satisfied with the purposeful cards I have been dealt. He shows me that we gotta feel secure and confident in making right decisions, and following through. Our lives are not our own anymore, but the laying down of it- for our God, and in this scenario, our family, our little ones.
That is something that I have to encourage and let God breathe upon me in these last couple of years. Let God inspire me to lay down my life and 'party moments' for the happiness and character- building of my children. Let me inspire my Husband. Recently, I was reminded of one of the root words of Inspire is to softly 'breathe upon'. And Oh, aren't we far from that at moments?
Living a life of wondering what could have been, whether now or in the past, can only be a living hell. Knowing that God has our best story of Love towards us- amounts in endless gifts of Freedom and Favor. Trusting Him will never leave you feeling
R E G R E T. Ever.
R E G R E T. Ever.
My Heart trusts in Him. And knowing that his plan for my body, was His best. He saved my life. He saved my son's life; I have to trade sorrow for Joy. . . and breathe. The beautiful eyes of my son tell me of my endless reward of Life. And what's more- restores the Joy of the Lord to this mama's heart. Daily.
Praise be to the LORD, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.